The Importance of Saying No to Our Kids

Just this week I had the opportunity to relearn the importance of saying no to one of my sons.  Though you might think that’s a lesson for a newbie to parenting, I’ve been at it for 22 years and I still have to encourage myself to have a backbone.  Regardless if you’re a single parent, part of a two-parent team, divorced, married, or otherwise it’s not too hard to be guilted into saying yes.

My 13 year old son wanted a toy for his birthday that cost way more than I wanted to spend.  So I bought him a cheaper version.  Then he played on my guilt.  “I don’t do other activities.  Other kids have better ones and I won’t be able to keep up with them with this one.”  He cried.  I struggled.  My son has challenges in life.  I want him to have a happy childhood.  But I couldn’t bring myself to meet his request.  So I told him,  “I’m happy to spend money on things of value for you – camp, music lessons and instruments, educational experiences, but I can’t justify spending so much money on a toy.”  He went to bed unhappy; I went to bed questioning my decision.

The next morning, he greeted me saying, “Mom, I was thinking.  What if I spend my birthday money on a ukelele and you pay for lessons?”  My response was, “I’d be delighted to do that.”  Saying no the night before allowed my son to get to the other side of disappointment and come up with a solution that matched my values for him. 

We both learned some lessons through our exchange.  He learned that no means no.  He also learned to problem-solve within the limits I gave him.  I was reminded that a child’s disappointment is not a reason to back down.  When it’s tempting to take the easy way out with your kids, remember they have skills to learn from you.  Love can be kind and firm.

The Sparks of Conflict

Recently I had the chance to observe a conflict happen right in front of me. I was volunteering  at one of my sons’ schools. A staff member came over to the volunteer table and with one sentence set in motion a conflict with one of the parent volunteers. Here were some of the thoughts going on in my head as I watched: “Wow, that happened fast.” “I wasn’t offended by what the staff member said, but he was a little brusk.” “That parent is really p-o’d.” “Now that staff member is really p-o’d.” “I don’t think this is going to resolve well.” In addition, I felt uncomfortable to witness such untamed emotions. Neither person was backing down or compromising. 
So what does this all have to do with conflict and divorce? It made me think of what it’s like for kids watching their parents fighting: surprising, confusing, uncomfortable, alarming.  It also reminded me how little it takes to start a conflict and/or to keep it going.  Either person has the power to pause, recall their end prize, and to change course with a softer tone, an openness to listen, and a peaceful offer to work together for something greater than themselves.

The Mirror Test

When someone is a thorn in our side, it can be a painful existence.  We’re dragged down by their negativity, ired by their criticisms, exhausted by their relentless torture.  All we can think about is, “If only he or she would change.”  I’m sorry if that’s happening in your life.  It takes up a lot of energy.  We try lots of solutions to get someone to stop negative behavior like ignoring them, calling them on their bad behavior, retaliating.  None of these solutions invite change. 

While it may seem counter-intuitive, I suggest you look in the mirror for a different solution.  Could it be possible that you’re doing the very same behaviors that you’re complaining about?  Do your emails have a negative, critical tone?  Do you bring up old frustrations about the other parent?  Are your emails frequent and relentless?  I’d like to encourage you to look at yourself to see where you can do a better job.  You have the power to focus on the present, refrain from criticism, and work for your kids’ benefit.  It might not change the other parent, but you can at least feel good about your own communication because you’ve behaved in a way that you expect from others.  You are in control of that.  And feeling good about ourselves is deeply satisfying to us and a gift to our children.

Are You At War With Your Ex?

War is on my mind.  Sorry for such a dark topic, but Libya, Afghanistan and Iraq are in the headlines and I just saw a thought-provoking play about the war in Bosnia.    How about you?  Are you at war with your Ex?  I hope not.  But if you are, read on. 

People who live in those countries can’t walk away from the violence in their lives.  It might feel that way to you, too.  You’re being drawn into a fight when you don’t want to be.  You can wait for the other person to finally be civil – which could be never or a really long time.  Or you can decide that you’re the only one you have control over (which is true) so you have to look at your own behavior that might be helping to keep the fight alive. 

Here are some common ways in which we keep fights going:

1)  We respond to every jab, dig, or irritating item in an email

2)  We use extreme language:  always and never are the most common ones

3)  We try to make the other person as miserable as they’ve made us

4)  We want to show the other person we aren’t a pushover

5)  We look for things that will prove how unreasonable the other person is

Do you recognize yourself in any of these tactics?  If so, recognizing your self-sabotaging behaviors can give you ideas of what to do differently.  For example, if you’re reacting to everything in your Ex’s messages, focus only on solving a problem regarding the kids.  Ignore everything else.  Secondly, remove any emotional-provoking language (i.e. always, never, starting sentences with you, etc.)  Lastly, give yourself a pep talk before you respond (“I can be calm even if he/she isn’t” or “I’ll keep my email business-like for the kids’ sake.”) 

If you’d like some coaching in this area or help in responding to a particular email, contact me at www.exspousecommunications.com.  Here’s to being at peace on your side of the interaction.

New Year’s Resolutions and Your Ex

Are you still stuck in conflict with your ex?  Does he or she know how to push your buttons?  How about a New Year’s resolution to change the dynamics between the two of you?  “Fine,” you say, “but I can’t change my ex.”  You’re right.  We can’t change others.  But (and this is a big “but”), we can influence others by how we interact with them.  Try these 5 relationship-influencing tools:

1.  Communicate only about sharing the kids.  This means no criticisms for how your ex parents; and it also means not responding to how he or she criticizes you.

2.  Keep your communications brief, non-emotional, and fair.

3.  Look for the positives in your ex’s relationship with the kids and comment on that.

4.  Be reasonable with your requests for changes with the schedule.

5.  Be flexible when you can for your kids’ sake.

So-Called “Breaks” From Parenting

A friend who is divorced wrote this wisdom on her FB wall:  “People will comment on the ‘breaks’ divorced people get from parenting, almost in an envious tone.  My ‘break’ always starts with worry and sadness because transitions can be difficult for kids; and it sucks to leave one parent to be with the other.”

She speaks of the pain of being a parent and a child who live with divorce.  While we can’t do anything about the insensitive remarks of those who don’t understand, we can help our children by letting them have a guilt-free relationship with their other parent and by giving them transition space (i.e. cut them a little slack for the first few hours they’re back with you).  In so doing, we sew the seeds for how to do relationships respectfully.  It’s one of the best gifts you can give your  kids.

Co-parenting Over the Holidays

We’re about to enter the busiest few months for families.  It can be even more of a challenge for those who share kids over the holidays.  Before the holidays begin, are you ready for the emotions of the season?  One way you can start is by asking yourself, “What do I want my children to remember about the holidays growing up?”  By focusing on your kids, it will be easier to make decisions about how you’re going to negotiate and navigate with their other parent. 

Let your children’s experience of the holidays be guilt-free.  This means that they shouldn’t be worried that you’ll be alone for part of the time.  Be excited for them in all of their activities.  Let the focus be on them, not on you.  If appropriate and warranted, you can let them know what you’ll be doing while they’re away.

When they are away, do some things for yourself.  Get together with friends and family, go to the gym, get a massage, watch a movie or read a good book.  Refrain from constantly calling them.  Let them have their time with the other parent.

When they return to you, don’t ask them 20 questions.  Certainly be interested that they had a good time, but don’t search for information or push them to share anything they don’t volunteer.

Let this time be a reminder of the gift your children are for you.  That’s the greatest gift you can give to yourself and them.